What Goes Up…

…must come down.  Crashing down.  See: Jessi’s emotional state.

Last week I couldn’t get over how happy I was.  How “perfectly” everything was falling into place.  Now don’t give me wrong, I’m no stranger to the ups and downs.  I don’t live in a bubble where nothing bad ever happens.  But in the span of 5 days, my emotional state has been INSANE.

The lack of sleep, exhaustion, and general feelings of being overwhelmed got the best of me yesterday.  Thank goodness, I had the foresight to ask for an additional vacation day.

I didn’t even really sleep in.  I was up at 8.  Messed with the dogs and found myself walking in circles trying to find a good place to study here at home.

Look at Rudy - just like a little kid waiting for the neighbor kids to come out and play!

Look at Rudy – just like a little kid waiting for the neighbor kids to come out and play!

Remember that we have no living room furniture, dining room table, and boxes are everywhere.  (We will have living room and dining room furniture today.)  As I was laying on the bed, trying to read, take notes and comprehend my assignments, I called Craig at work and cried.  I can’t even explain how overwhelmed I was feeling.  What did I get myself into!?  He calmed me down a bit and I realized that I needed to get out of the house in order to be productive.

I showered and headed to the public library.  ahhhh, much better.  Back on track.

Room to spread out and get organized!

Room to spread out and get organized!

And then the reading assignments that weren’t really that many pages took me over 3 hours.  Another harsh reality check.  I am going to be giving up copious amounts of time with my family and friends to make this happen.  Now, I knew law school would be a serious commitment, but it’s a bit shocking to my routine.

I came home, took a quick cat nap and headed in for my first night at law school.

Here is where my pieces really fall apart.

Let me preface this by saying that I wasn’t able to make orientation (I was presenting at orientation for a different part of the university).  I met with the Dean the following day to get the basics.  I think she took for granted the fact I work on campus and really glossed over everything.  Apparently, at orientation, they learned how to prepare a case.  I had no idea.

So, wouldn’t you know that on the very first night of the very first class, I have a professor who requires you to stand when he calls on you, no, no, no, when he calls on you involuntarily.  And wouldn’t you know that of two people that are called upon to stand a present a case, I would be one of those lucky people.

Now, for the sake of not throwing myself as big of a pity party as I want, I’ll say it didn’t go so hot for the other girl either.  BUT, it was humiliating.  It was awful.  I felt so unprepared, because I was unprepared, despite the fact I spent about 4 hours reading and taking notes on mayyybe 30 pages of content.  Oh yeah, I was also moving my life into our first home.  That happened, too.

Personality-wise, I like the first professor better, even though he embarrassed the shit out of me.  The second professor talked too much like a lawyer.  I’m sorry, but it just isn’t necessary to use big words when a “regular” one will do.  I know you’re smart, sir, you are a law school professor, after all.

So, of course, on the way home, I blubbered to my kid sister about how I don’t think I’m smart enough.  I don’t think it’s a good fit for my personality.  It’s going to be a huge-er (yes, huge-er) commitment than I could’ve imagined, given the fact I have a husband, 2 furbabies, and a love for spending time with those I care so much about.  My first bout of graduate school I wasn’t married, lived by myself, and only had one furbaby (I did complete that go-round, you can call me “Master Jessi”). 😉   Have I also mentioned that I am extremely attached to my 9:30/10pm bed time?  Y’all, I flat-out ugly cried the whole 25 minute drive home.

And, of course, she told me that I can’t quit after the first night.  And demanded I send some emails to find someone to get me on the right path.  So, I might not quit after the first night – maybe after the second, though.

Thanks to those who stuck through this post to listen to my whole “poor me” story.  I promise to get my shit together soon enough and find a seat on the happy train.

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10 responses to “What Goes Up…

  1. Lots of hugs and support being sent your way. Your sister gives great advice too 🙂

  2. sorry it’s been rough for you!! i swear some teachers find it amusing to embarrass students.. sick freaks i tell ya. internet hugs for you! 🙂

  3. Hey there! I just stumbled on your blog, and it must be to tell you that it will be ok! I just finished my first year of law school with a husband, two fur babies, and a 9:30 bed time. You’ll get the hang of it, I swear. You’ll be busy, but it’s possible to stay sane (most of the time), and I keep hearing that 1L is the worst. I’ll be able to verify later I suppose, I don’t start back up until 9/23. Best of luck to you and keep at it!

    Talia

    • Thank you, Talia! It means a lot that you’d take the time to offer your words of encouragement! Good luck when you return the end of September! Rock it, girl!

      • My pleasure! I was thankful for the people who told me it would get better, so I’m happy to pay the encouragement forward. Feel free to contact me directly if you have questions on being a grown up in law school. 🙂

  4. Okay…having worked with lawyers, it’s better to be embarrassed in class that in the courtroom. Yeah. I know. Not what you wanted to hear.

    But…

    YOU CAN DO THIS! I have faith and trust in you and you WILL excel in this part of your life just like all the rest. You need to just focus on the tasks at hand and less on the big picture. Think baby steps and you will just work through all things that need doing!!

    YOU CAN DO THIS! I KNOW it!!

    *hugs*

    • Ahhhh, thank you. I honestly am not even sure it was the embarrassment that did me in. I think it was the realization that maybe my brain isn’t wired to process information the way it should in order to be successful in law school. I’ve been SO all over the place – the past week, especially. I think I need time to settle in to where I’m at right now and evaluate what it really is that I want. Being a grown up is hard work!

      Thank you again for your kind words 🙂 It means a lot!!!!

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